Sunday, February 27, 2011

Let's Talk Spiritual Health: Understanding CONTROL DRAMAS




Hola Chicas/Chicos...This is a bit different and interesting today.

Control Dramas are manipulations for energy either aggressively-forcing others to pay attention to them, or passively-playing on people's sympathy or curiosity to gain attention.

There are 4 types of control dramas:

  • Interrogator: steals energy from others by judging and questioning
  • Intimidator: steals energy from others by threat
  • Aloof: steals energy from others by playing coy to attract attention to themselves
  • Poor Me: steals energy from others by making people feel guilty and responsible for them.

These are so interesting because it can help you understand why you are the way that you are. Control dramas are formed in childhood. Understanding what control dramas your parents or guardian dealt with helps you to understand which dramas you deal with. To understand, you must reinterpret your childhood from a spiritual point of view. Interestingly enough, I have tried this exercise on myself, my husband (who taught me about it) and on a few of my friends and it is amazing what you actually reveal about yourselves. It helps me understand why I act the way that I act. It also helps me to understand and recognize control dramas in others, immediately. Most people do not know that they are dealing with control dramas; I know that I didn't, but it has helped me with how I deal with my husband and how I deal with my children. Since I now know that the control dramas develop in childhood, I am becoming more aware of how my actions affect their lifestyle. I have to remember, I am not just raising a child, but a spirit. To be free from these control dramas will require absolute honesty within yourself. And here is the even tougher challenge; asking a person that you respect (friend, spouse, parent, minister, etc.) to point out which control dramas they recognize within you. Doing this, you must be open to constructive criticism and honesty. If you have the slightest inkling that you may react defensively, then you may not be ready to hear truth.


  • Interrogator: sets up dramas of asking questions and probing into another person's world with the specific purpose of finding something wrong. Once they do, they criticize this aspect of the other's life. If this strategy succeeds, the person being criticized is pulled into the drama. They find themselves becoming self conscious around the interrogator and paying attention to what the interrogator is doing and thinking about, so as not to do something wrong the interrogator would notice. Interrogators pull you off of your path and drain your energy, because you judge yourself by what they might be thinking. They slowly undermine to get energy from you. Interrogators create aloof children. Aloof parents create interrogator children. When someone continually asks you questions only to find something wrong with your answers, you must get vague and distant, to try to say things that will get their attention, but not reveal enough to get them to criticize.


  • Intimidator: someone who threatens you verbally or physically. You are forced, for fear of something bad happening to you, to pay attention to them and so to give them energy.This is the most aggressive kind of energy. They tend to demean, degrade in hopes of gaining energy from you and if that doesn't work, they use physical violence. Intimidators tend to create Poor Me children, or another Intimidator. Ask, how do your children respond when you speak to them? Do they flinch as if in fear of you? Do they constantly whine or try to seek sympathy from you and others? How did you react when your parents approached you? Were they aggressive towards you, creating fear? If someone is draining your energy by threatening you with physical, mental or emotional violence, being aloof doesn't work; you can't get them to give you energy by playing coy; you are forced to be more passive, and guilt trip them about the harm that they are doing to you, therefore creating a Poor Me. If that doesn't work, then, as a child you endure until you are big enough to explode against the violence and fight aggression with aggression. The symbiotic relationship is that intimidators tend to befriend Poor Me's and Poor Me's befriend Intimidators.


  • Aloof: someone who in order to get energy, withdraw and look mysterious and secretive. You hope that someone will be pulled into this drama and try to figure out what's going on with you. When someone does, you remain vague, forcing them to struggle, dig and try to discern your true feelings. The longer you can keep them interested and mystified, the more energy you receive. Aloof parents tend to create interrogator children. If you were a child and your parents either ignored you or were not there, playing aloof would not get their attention. You would have to resort to probing and prying and finally finding something wrong in these aloof people in order to force their attention.


  • Poor Me: someone who tells you all of the horrible things that are already happening to them, implying perhaps that you are responsible, and that, if you refuse to help, these horrible things are going to continue to happen. Someone who makes you feel guilty when you are in their presence, even though you know there is no reason to feel this way.Everything they say or do puts you in a place where you have to defend against the idea that you're not doing enough for them. A Poor Me, will reveal all of their mishaps, sometimes even to strangers, in order to gain energy. This is the most passive of all of the control dramas. They will even sometimes resort to using their looks, bodies, etc to gain the attention and sympathy from others. They are usually attracted to those who they can continuously cause to feel sympathy from; or the extreme being attracted to those who are Intimidators, who they will allow to either verbally, physically, or mentally abuse them in order to evoke the reaction of sympathy from their mistreatment. Their situation is always someone else's fault and never from choices or decisions that they made themselves.

Freedom comes when we seek wisdom from God and ask Him to reveal to us, which control dramas we may struggle from. I know that it's not always easy to hear the truth, and you may think that none of these apply to you until you ask someone you respect to reveal if you fall in any of these categories. I know I speak of myself first in saying that it was hard hearing which control dramas that I struggled with, but I am grateful that I have people that love me and can speak the truth to me without any motive or malicious intent. I am now on my path to free myself of any control dramas. I pray that you do the same. Take the challenge, pray, ask God to reveal them to you. I know that we can sometimes think we are perfect and free from negative blemish until an accountability partner reveals them to you. You will actually be amazed that when you meet people or the people that you already know, you will be able to see which control dramas they struggle with just from being around them for a few minutes or so, even when they do not.






    Happy Spiritual Health

    2 comments:

    1. "I know that we can sometimes think we are perfect and free from negative blemish until an accountability partner reveals them to you."-Nique

      You are with fault like the rest of us. However, you have chosen to show your scars on the outside n honor your mistakes with teaching n inspiring self inspection. I appreciate you. God bless everything you do that is in His purpose for you.

      Thank you for sharing, this one was a jewel!

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    2. This was a good read. I came upon finding my own personal control drama about a year ago, and by much prayer and of-course accountability of loved ones I am getting to my freedom from them all. God is indeed good and long-suffering for allowing us to see our messes and make a notion and active way to correct them for the better and glory of His name alone.


      ~Shae
      http://afroniquelyyou.com

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